A woman in her 50s from Kanagawa Prefecture feels upset because her son and daughter-in-law do not let her see her eight-month-old grandchild as often as she would like, despite living just 15 minutes away by car. Turned away at the door recently, she seeks advice in the Troubleshooter column. University president Masami Ohinata advises considering the daughter-in-law's challenges and giving the couple more space.
W, a part-time worker in her 50s from Kanagawa Prefecture, wrote to the Troubleshooter column expressing distress over her inability to see her first grandchild frequently. Her second son's wife gave birth about eight months ago, and the family lives just 15 minutes away by car. W had been visiting about twice a month, staying for around 30 minutes after advance contact, but was recently turned away at the door.
Her daughter-in-law told her, “Our child has just gone to sleep, so please come tomorrow,” preventing W from even entering the house. W's husband has held the grandchild only twice, during visits by the young couple to their home. “If they lived far away, I could put up with not being able to see my grandchild, but when I think about how quickly children grow up, I get upset,” W wrote. “I’d been looking forward to enjoying the birth of my first grandchild as a family, so I’m deeply saddened by what has happened.”
Masami Ohinata, university president and columnist, sympathizes with W but urges her to consider her daughter-in-law's perspective. “The first eight months of a baby’s life are constantly challenging for any parent. Your daughter-in-law has to deal with the baby crying in the night, breastfeeding, bathing and many other tasks. At a time when she’s grappling with a grueling lack of sleep and rest, I can imagine it being quite stressful to have her in-laws visit when she hasn’t been able to tidy the house,” Ohinata explained.
From W's view, visits were “only twice” a month, but to the daughter-in-law, they might feel like “as often as twice.” Ohinata called the door rejection “extremely rude” but possibly a sign of the mother being at her “wit’s end.” She emphasized prioritizing care for the daughter-in-law, suggesting invitations for leisurely meals at W's home or viewing the grandchild online. “Because you live nearby, making an effort to give your son and his wife a little more space mentally will ultimately help you keep an eye on your adorable grandchild for many years to come,” Ohinata advised.