In a Jan. 2, 2026 post on Wellness Mama, founder Katie Wells argues that irritation with other people’s behavior can sometimes point to unresolved issues within ourselves. She suggests that approaching these moments with curiosity—rather than blame—can support emotional regulation, empathy and a greater sense of agency.
Katie Wells, the founder of Wellness Mama, writes that everyday irritations—such as being interrupted, dealing with chronic lateness, or feeling bothered by someone speaking too loudly—can become prompts for self-inquiry rather than automatic blame of other people.
In her Jan. 2, 2026 article, “How Triggers Can Become Teachers (and Bring More Peace),” Wells describes a shift from viewing triggers as evidence that someone else is “doing something wrong” to noticing that the traits she found most aggravating in others often pointed back to something unresolved within herself.
Wells centers her argument on the popular maxim, “If you spot it, you’ve got it,” linking the idea to Carl Jung’s work on the “shadow” and to the psychological concept of projection. She frames the phrase as an invitation to curiosity rather than self-criticism, writing that a strong emotional reaction can function like a mirror—without implying that another person’s behavior is acceptable or that harm should be tolerated.
She also points to research and theory that help explain why some reactions feel automatic. Wells notes that humans have a tendency to focus on threats and negatives, and she cites a 2001 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that she says found people who denied being aggressive were more likely to perceive aggression in others.
Wells further describes a biological angle, citing mirror neurons—brain cells often associated with empathy and social learning—as one mechanism that may help people “recognize” traits in others that they have suppressed or avoided in themselves. She offers everyday examples to illustrate the “mirror” concept: irritation at arrogance may reflect suppressed confidence, and annoyance at “laziness” may reflect resentment tied to overwork and difficulty resting.
In a personal section, Wells says she has worked online for nearly two decades and recalls encountering harsh commentary about her appearance, including “online spaces” devoted to criticizing it. She writes that what helped was not denying the comments were painful, but examining why they landed—concluding they echoed insecurities and an “inner critic” she wanted to change. Over time, she says, practicing a kinder internal dialogue and intentionally noticing positives changed how she experienced her life.
As practical tools, Wells recommends pausing during a trigger and asking what the reaction might be revealing. She writes that this approach has been especially useful in parenting, describing children as “incredible mirrors” who can reflect impatience, “unhealed wounds,” and unspoken expectations.
Wells also recounts a story she attributes to Dr. Kelly Brogan: Brogan, she writes, asked her daughters what felt unhealed in their relationship and chose curiosity—listening rather than defending herself—after receiving feedback that was difficult to hear.
For readers seeking a more structured exercise, Wells describes the “3-2-1 shadow process,” which she notes is often attributed to Ken Wilber. The method involves first naming the upsetting trait in the third person (“them”), then addressing it in the second person (“you”), and finally integrating it in the first person (“I”)—with the aim of taking ownership of the reaction in a constructive way.
Wells recommends journaling prompts such as “What bothers me most in others?” and “Where does this show up in me?” and she argues that sustained self-inquiry can soften reactive patterns, increase empathy, and reduce the feeling that one’s peace depends on other people changing.
The piece closes with a line Wells attributes to the 13th-century poet Rumi: “The wound is the place where the light enters you,” using it to frame painful reactions as possible openings for growth.
